So some Hollywood poobah was supposed to call me at 1:00 to talk about Liquor, and now it's 1:47 and here I sit, stewing. This is only one of the 90,547,633 reasons why I hate Hollywood. If I ever do write a screenplay, which for the record I have absolutely no intention of doing, I will use the pseudonym Jack Meoff.

Am attempting to go over the second-pass pages for Gauntlet's trade paperback edition of The Devil You Know. At this point the contents are boring to the point of madness, but there are still mistakes, even on the everfucking copyright page, and I will not allow the book to go to press until I've combed them all out. Will also have to sign limitation pages for Subterranean's Crown of Thorns sometime between now and July 5. O life is a glorious cycle of song, a medley of extemporanea.

I'd hoped to post another round of eBay auctions before I leave town for most of July, but if I put them up now, I'm afraid I won't have time to send out items to the winners before I leave, so auctions are effectively suspended until late July. You can still purchase Buy-It-Now items from the store, which I probably won't put on vacation mode until late next week.

Poobah's secretary just called; either it was all her fault or she has to say it was. Phone call rescheduled for Tuesday morning. I still hate Hollywood.

I hereby invent the 5 Right Now Meme:

5 things you feel right now:

1. Lower back pain
2. Irritated
3. Hungry for a really good pizza
4. Sleepy
5. Guilty that I haven't already done my pages today

Last 5 things you bought:

1. A beautiful black linen shirt that is unfortunately about 30 sizes too big for me (someday I will remember that I do not, in fact, wear a men's XL)
2. A tie with tiny pelicans all over it
3. Two baby gifts
4. Roach traps
5. A fried eggplant po-boy

5 objects of lust:

1. Chris
2. Andrew Goodman
3. Manu Ginobili
4. Bobby Hebert
5. Willie Roaf

5 things in your pockets or purse:

1. Lucky bean
2. Valium prescription for the plane ride to Australia (can't fill it yet or they will all be gone by the time I leave)
3. Little tiny metal statue of St. Joseph in a bullet casing
4. Dutch stuiver (obsolete 5-cent piece)
5. Black Golf Tee of Vatos (appears from time to time, then disappears again)

5 things you collect:

1. Cats
2. Books
3. Victorian hairwork and mourning jewelry
4. New Orleans Saints paraphernalia
5. Dust, sometimes

5 true statements you can make that most people can't:

1. I love Texas and always have a good time there.
2. Writing is my only source of income.
3. Joel Grey got me through some rough times when I was a teenager.
4. Harlan Ellison loves me.
5. I am a friend to cats, dogs, yats, goths, and lawyers.

My experience with Hollywood, in a nutshell:


PZB: (writes Lost Souls)

HOLLYWOOD: THIS IS GREAT!!! You're the talk of the town! If you don't have a movie deal within six months, I'll drop dead of shock!

(8 YEARS LATER)

HOLLYWOOD: Um, sorry that movie deal never happened, but do you wanna write a Lost Souls script on spec?

PZB: I hate vampires now.

(MEANWHILE, DEEP IN THE HEARTLAND)

5000 ASPIRING YOUNG MOVIEMAKERS: Dear Mrs. Bright, I cannot ofer you any money, but if you will grant me the right too film Lost Souls, I swear to create a film that will be true to your beautiful, beautiful book. I understand the characters better than anyone ever could. If I send you my sreenplay, will you help me too get this film made?

****

PZB: (writes Drawing Blood)

HOLLYWOOD: THIS IS GREAT!!! We want to write a screenplay and we want YOU to be ATTACHED as PRODUCER! Oh, by the way, the characters can't be gay.

PZB: Then I'm afraid I have no interest in the project.

(SIX MONTHS LATER)

HOLLYWOOD: Here's the Drawing Blood screenplay!!!

PZB: Are the characters gay?

HOLLYWOOD: No.

PZB: I'm very sorry you just wasted six months.

****

PZB: (writes Exquisite Corpse)

HOLLYWOOD: OH MY GOD, this is GREAT and REALLY REALLY EXTREME!!! Here's a small amount of money for a year's option.

PZB: Thanks!

(ONE YEAR LATER)

HOLLYWOOD: Here's another small amount of money for another year's option! Also, here's the screenplay we wrote, in which houses in New Orleans are on hills and the Queen of Comus seems to be sort of like a beauty queen at a small county fair. Could you critique it?

PZB: Um, we don't have hills, and the Mistick Krewe of Comus will probably have you killed for this.

(ONE YEAR LATER)

HOLLYWOOD: OOPS! We ran out of money. But we have a backer who might be interested if we'll make Andrew Compton more like Hannibal Lecter! Can we have another year's option for free?

PZB: No.

****

PZB: (writes The Lazarus Heart; signs a work-for-hire contract that specifies a cut for the author if the novel is made into a movie)

HOLLYWOOD: (makes a Crow movie that bears uncomfortable similarities to The Lazarus Heart, but not enough to prove anything; the movie tanks, so maybe it's for the best)

****

PZB: (writes Liquor, Prime, etc.)

HOLLYWOOD: OH MY GOD, THIS IS YOUR BEST WORK YET!!! IT'S BETTER THAN SHAKESPEARE! WE HAVE TO MAKE AN HBO SERIES OUT OF IT! NO, WAIT, AN HOUR-LONG DRAMA ON NETWORK TV! NO, WAIT, A MOVIE! WHEN ARE YOU COMING TO L.A.? WHEN CAN WE HAVE PHONE TIME???

PZB: Let me know when you have some actual money to give me.

(NINE YEARS INTO THE FUTURE)

HOLLYWOOD: OK, WE'RE READY FOR YOU TO WRITE THAT LIQUOR SCRIPT ON SPEC NOW!!!

PZB: Sorry, I'm now writing about the maneating tigers of Sumatra. Restaurants are the new vampires.