Oh Gawd oh Gawd oh Gawd. Looks like Exquisite Corpse is probably not being optioned for the movies after all. I don't know for sure yet, but last night my former agent (who is still the agent of record for EC) forwarded a long, frenetic e-mail from the would-be director about how I was going to be an essential part of the HYPE MACHINE (yes, he actually used that phrase and it was in caps), and he had to talk to me THIS WEEK, and he wanted me to do huge rounds of interviews about the project, and pose for photo shoots with the cast, and take meetings with ferchrissakes Trent Reznor about doing the soundtrack*, and disseminate publicity taglines like, "The director of the most controversial film ever made will direct the most controversial book ever written in modern times," and all manner of other insane shit that is absolutely out of the question. I wrote back and said I had no interest in any involvement with the project beyond possibly reading/commenting on a script draft or two and mentioning it on my website. I don't know where he got the idea that the writer is somehow included as part and parcel of the option, but obviously none of this is going to happen -- even if I was interested, I don't have time for this kind of silliness; hello, I have books to write, you know, books, have you heard of them? -- and since his vision for the thing seems to revolve around it, I suspect the project is dead. I'm so turned off by this whole business that I may end up killing it even if he comes back and says, "Fine, who needs her?" I mean, all I have to do is not sign the contracts that are currently sitting on my desk. Really remarkably easy. That's one of the very few fun parts about dealing with Hollywood: they assume you care deeply about Being In The Movies, it's absolutely incomprehensible to them that you wouldn't care, and you get to disabuse them of this notion. "You HAVE to do this!!!" "No I don't. Bye."

Besides, he seemed awfully serious about actually making the movie. I much prefer movie people who pay for an option, renew it after a year, and repeat as necessary, all the while seeking financing, etc. that will never come. I don't particularly want to see any of my books made into movies, and if they are, I definitely don't want to participate in any fashion. If I were going to involve myself in any visual medium, it would be TV, which I find much more interesting.

I don't want Hollywood hype. I don't want to be feted at the theatah. I don't want my heart broken by the Fishers. I don't even want a drink. What I want is BOREDOM. Last night, after sending a calm and measured e-mail to the ex-agent, I sat on the bed screaming at Chris, "I want to be BORED!!!" Then I fell over and curled into a fetal position. Yes, I want sweet, repetitious boredom, where I stay home and do the same damn thing every day and fall into a rut and get some work done. And furthermore, I shall have it. In other news ... there is no other news! See, it's working already.

We certainly could have used the money, though, so if you want to help me celebrate not being part of the Hollywood HYPE MACHINE, please bid often and freely on my eBay auctions. I can't believe nobody wants a signed first edition of Drawing Blood for just $20.


*The actual quote, which nicely assumes ignorance on the part of my agent, was, "Also, I will be doing my best to have the amazing Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails do the original Motion Picture Soundtrack ... You may not know his work, but Poppy does (she has great taste in music)." If I had the time and inclination to carry this a little further, perhaps I'd write back and say, "I do, don't I? Trent's so over, though ... how's about we get my new favorite band, Benny Grunch & the Bunch?"

Just realized I've been keeping this blog for exactly two years today. In that time, I've published two novels and written most of a third one, as well as several short stories and a couple of articles, so nuts to the people who say writers' blogs are a masturbatory activity that distracts them from their real writing.

However, this does seem a good moment to mention the cute punk-looking girl I saw riding the tram in Melbourne. Pinned to her shoulderbag was a single badge with a few lines of light-colored printing on it. Ever curious about such things, I edged closer ... and saw that it said, "I don't care about your blog." I barely contained my horselaugh.

Thanks for reading, y'all.