I have put myself in rehab. Of course I can't afford the ritzy, ditzy "rehabs" of the stars, and wouldn't waste the money on those programs if I did have it. My version of rehab consists of becoming so disgusted with myself that I realize even pain would be better, flushing all my painkillers down the toilet (which I sorely regret, because of all the people who've helped me with such things when I needed them and whom these might have helped in return, but the only way I could stop taking them was to get them out of the house Right. That. Fucking. Minute), not answering the phone or the door, not doing anything even so sociable as getting online, reading a lot of comforting fiction, and spending a few days throwing up and living on ginger ale and some sort of pale, bland food (this time it was cottage cheese) until the junk begins to leave my system and I realize that, despite the pain, I am beginning to feel better than I have in weeks.

I knew for a while that I was going to have to get off the stuff, because it wasn't really helping anymore and my tolerance had gotten so high that it was making me sick. It may work again for me at some point in the future if I can ever learn to use it with sense and moderation. After a brief fling with tranked-up irresponsibility, I seem to have managed this with the antianxiety drugs, but the concept of "opiates" and "moderation" in the same sentence kinda stumps me. The only thing that still seems to reliably help (and which I didn't flush) is Ultram, a.k.a. tramadol, which I tried several years ago for the back pain and got no relief from, but a friend gave me some samples a couple of months ago and this time it cut down on the sciatica pain considerably without making me high or sick. I asked my orthopedist to prescribe it and he did. I understand it is also fairly addictive, though, and I find any dose under 200 milligrams a day pretty much useless, so I hope the doctor will continue to prescribe it as needed; also that it won't end up being another trap.

(Well, Ultram and pot. I've been smoking a lot more than usual lately and hope to cut down on that too, but I doubt I'll ever give it up entirely, and it seems to have pain control abilities that it didn't possess for me years ago when I smoked it much more heavily. I think a lot of my recent "chronicness," though, has just been an attempt to control the nausea caused by the painkillers. Ah, God, what a mess.)

I hope, too, that folks will be even more patient with me than usual about answering e-mail, replying to community posts, and such, because my mother is coming at the end of the week, her visit is extremely important to me just now, and she hasn't seen the house since we moved in, so I want to get things looking really nice and I haven't left myself much time to do it.