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Vienna Waits for You

billyargh
I hope yesterday's entry didn't come off wrong. I meant to imply I was afraid I would inadvertently bring further destruction and mayhem to Amsterdam, not that the loss of this beloved, historic old tree was merely an inauspicious augur for my trip. Of course, either one is magical thinking, which probably stems from a massive ego. I'm sorry.

Not a very good day so far. I woke up with fragments of a dream of being maddeningly attracted to some writer (God save me) I was traveling with, no one I can remember at the moment, and an urge to listen to Billy Joel's "Vienna." I put on the song, but it didn't help. "How could you have felt so strongly just last week that this song applied to you?" my mind berated me. "This song is for a young, ambitious, hypercreative person who's trying to get everything done at once! You do nothing! 'Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while' -- like you're so in demand! Hell, you don't even WANT to be in demand!" And so on. My mind is really not very nice to me sometimes.

But I don't care. Vienna -- well, Amsterdam -- still waits for me. And soon. The way I've been some of the time lately, I don't know how the hell I think I'm going to take care of myself for nine days in a foreign country, but it scarcely feels foreign to me anymore and I'll be OK there. And at least there won't be a Times-Picayune with heartbreaking triggery stories every morning. In deciding to leave for the actual anniversary, I totally failed to account for the K+5 coverage that would lead up to it over these past couple of weeks. Of course I'm glad it's there. But it kind of makes me want to cling to the ground and scream "NO, NO, I CAN'T GET ON THAT PLANE, I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE, I MUST HAVE BEEN CRAZY TO THINK I COULD GO ANYWHERE."

Boo fucking hoo, I know.

Comments

( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
crowgrl13
Aug. 24th, 2010 08:38 pm (UTC)
My mind is really not very nice to me sometimes.

Nobody's mind is. You will always be your own worst critic. Just remember that they're are some of us who still like you, even where, you're bitchy, crazy, and/or cranky. At the very least, you keep us amused. ;)
madfishmonger
Aug. 25th, 2010 12:43 pm (UTC)
I was once told not to speak to myself in a way I wouldn't speak to another person. It helps to control your thought-meats sometimes.
I'm sure you'll have a wonderful trip.
nicosian
Aug. 24th, 2010 09:28 pm (UTC)
have an awesome trip. My oma ( a born and bred netherlander) has insisted on my next trip, to take a long relaxing boat ride down the canals.

But whatever you choose to do, enjoy. I think it's a very wise plan,( she heh, flees back to escape lonely cold canadian winters.)

elithea
Aug. 24th, 2010 09:48 pm (UTC)
for god's sake give yourself a break! Ptsd is ptsd; don't give it the upper hand by denying it. just keep on.
ed_dirt
Aug. 24th, 2010 11:16 pm (UTC)
Poppy, have a good time in Vienna/Amsterdam.

and I have always preferred this Vienna over Billy Joel's...

queenofattolia
Aug. 24th, 2010 11:38 pm (UTC)
I dunno; I always thought Vienna was written for Joel's father, who beat it to that city when he left the family (Joel's half-brother is some big shot (heh) orchestra conductor there). Maybe not. At any rate, I think you can take whatever meaning you want from any popular song, as long as it's not about specific historical events.
midnight_moon
Aug. 26th, 2010 12:39 am (UTC)
I haven't commented before but I like to keep up with your journal and I really enjoyed your earlier writing too.

Just to say, I've just upped and moved to Amsterdam completely alone and that it is manageable and is the perfect place to heal and relax. If you want to have a cup of tea/coffee with a friendly English girl, give me a shout, I live on the Prinsengracht :)
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )

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