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With Relish!

One of my recent really bad habits is just not wanting to bother to eat. Sometimes I do the right thing and have an Ensure or a smoothie. Sometimes, though, I do the Very Wrong Thing and look at disgusting material to kill my appetite entirely. Blood and guts don't do it for me; they're interesting but not sickening. What grosses me out most is bodily secretions, so imagine my joy when I found this seemingly endless "Tell us about your most disgusting experience" thread on a nurse's forum. (No pictures, but DO NOT CLICK unless you want to find out what makes my gorge rise, and I have a strong gorge. Nurses are hardcore, man.)

Anyway, I was sitting here moping around the Internet, and my train of thought went something like this: ... Kinda hungry ... think there might still be a couple of hot dogs in the fridge ... maybe I should fix myself a hot dog ... but I'd have to dig my way out from under this pile of cats and heat up the oven to crisp the bun and waaaah waaaah waaaah ... say, maybe I'll take a look at that nurses' forum.

And the first story I came across was THIS:

It had to be TODAY! I had a patient who had a FB [foreign body, not Facebook -- PZB] up his rectum. Surgeon tried to get it out from below because she did not want to open his belly. It was a glass jar and we could see the gold metal cap when she spread open his rectum. She tried prying it only to have the top come off and what came out was------------------ SWEET RELISH! The place smelled like a hot dog stand. She managed to get the jar out while doing no damage. The guy was very lucky, but some of us are going to have a hard time eating any hot dogs in the future. Mike

Now as you might guess, things up asses aren't one of my big squicks, but I could just about smell that lovely blend of relish and rectum. Couldn't you?

So maybe I won't have a hot dog.

Hey, the Saints are out of the playoffs and it's threatening to sleet. DON'T JUDGE ME OK.


( 36 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 10th, 2011 02:22 am (UTC)
I'm a nurse and love reading these! I'm afraid even my worst moments don't top some of those stories, thank goodness. :)
Jan. 10th, 2011 03:03 am (UTC)
I know my own limitations, so I'm almost 100% sure I couldn't do what all of you do. Nurses definitely have my respect!
Jan. 10th, 2011 03:16 am (UTC)
my grandmother was an OB nurse. i admire her strength.
Jan. 10th, 2011 03:52 am (UTC)
No doubt! I couldn't do that job.
Jan. 10th, 2011 04:30 am (UTC)
me either. i tried. my grandmother begged me to go to school and become a nurse - so i'd always be able to get a job somewhere and be able to support myself. i started by becoming a cna. the place where i worked had a tuition program for qualifying courses of study, so i thought i'd give it a shot. i worked this job from february 1993 to march 1995. i had a breakdown due to "nervous exhaustion" - part of which was blamed on my job. :(

it takes special people to be nurses.
Jan. 10th, 2011 02:35 am (UTC)
i know this comment isn't brilliant but DAMN- that made me snort milk through my nose. :)

i don't think i could've eaten a hotdog after that either.
Jan. 10th, 2011 02:55 am (UTC)
One of the things I miss all the time
about my long-ago medical library job was all the articles/reports about people (and animals, JAVMA use to always have an 'x-ray of the weed.').

The most scary were things like a siamese kitty that swallowed a knitting needle -- the x--ray was amazing. The needle managed not to hit anything important in the kitteh's body, though it pretty much ran from stem to stern in the x-ray.

The funniest/worst was the report of a guy who accidentally sanded one gonad off during his lunch hour. He'd been pressing himself against a belt sander during his lunch hour to get his nuts off. Then, "Whoops, there it goes." He didn't go to an ER for a day or two, and it was likely a mess to clean up.
Jan. 10th, 2011 03:03 am (UTC)
One of my recent really bad habits is just not wanting to bother to eat

since i started prozac, i find i have to remind myself, "hey, it's mealtime!"
Jan. 10th, 2011 03:07 am (UTC)
Jeez, nothing seems to interfere with my appetite! The closest I came to that was when I was on some anti-anxiety drug and I slept a lot of the time. I wasn't eating as much as usually did because of being asleep, so I lost weight. The drug I'm on now doesn't seem to have any side effects. I wonder if I could get one to curb my sweet tooth? :-D
Jan. 10th, 2011 03:08 am (UTC)
one of the side effects of prozac is "anorexia" - and since i was anorexic as a teen ... so far, my weightloss is a steady progression, so that's good.

i hear you. i need one to curb my sweet tooth too! :)
Jan. 10th, 2011 04:45 am (UTC)
To be brutally honest with you both? Stop eating red meat and birds, if you do. It just might work.

When I went pescetarian, my sweet tooth shrank to miniscule. It was replaced by a big ole SALT TOOTH. Presumably this is because I wasn't getting all the salt from processed meats in the average Western diet anymore, or so I've had a couple of MDs tell me *shrug*

Now I get sick off of more than one piece of pie or cake, and have for about ten years (been pesce for 14). I don't buy candy at the movies anymore. Cookies are silly for me to buy because I'll maybe eat one or two a week. My tongue wants salty/savoury. And that can be satisfied through fairly healthy means.
Jan. 10th, 2011 04:49 am (UTC)
i have chronic anemia. i can't give up red meat. i've tried. when i do, my iron count plummets, and my cravings (for anything) get worse. so i eat red meat and birds.

i can't eat fish/shellfish/seafood of any kind. i go into anaphylactic shock. not a pleasant place to be. one bite of shrimp makes my fingers swell up like hot dogs.

so no.
Jan. 10th, 2011 03:13 am (UTC)
I don't think it's Prozac in my case, as I've been on that for ... what? ... over a year anyway. I suspect it comes from having gone back on Tramadol.
Jan. 10th, 2011 03:16 am (UTC)
i've never noticed tramadol making me not want to eat. then again i take it ... :cough: ... that one week once a month when i'm ready to eat anything that's not nailed down, food or not food, because my body thinks i'm starving to death ...

prozac has been very good to me though! :whoot:
Jan. 10th, 2011 04:50 am (UTC)
but don't you wonder how the jar got there to begin with? i mean, i did. i always do when i hear stuff like this.

for the record, when we were in college, one of my friends called me from her college laughing her ass off. she had just gotten back from the emergency room with one of her friends there. said friend had decided to masturbate with a hot dog - and said hot dog ... got stuck ... and had to be removed ...

Jan. 10th, 2011 04:59 am (UTC)
but don't you wonder how the jar got there to begin with?

Unless he has jaws like a snake and swallowed it, there's really only one way ... :-D
Jan. 10th, 2011 05:00 am (UTC)
good point. good point. :walks away with ass clenched and knees bent together:
Jan. 10th, 2011 09:48 am (UTC)
(Another nurse here by the way - loved that link. One of my favourite patients was the guy who needed 2 pool balls (the white one and the 8 ball, as I remember) surgically removed from his large intestine. You'd think he might have stopped after the first one got stuck, but no!)
For what it's worth, Tramadol can have quite a few side effects, including making food smell and taste different - generally in a bad way, which of course then affects appetite...
Jan. 10th, 2011 04:12 am (UTC)
I have that trouble all the time, actually. It's leftover from the eating-disordered days. When I get stressed or sick beyond normal levels, I stop wanting to eat. Nothing in the fridge looks good except the beer/cider/whatever, and no, must eat if you wanna booze it, BoA honey.

I usually either call for pizza delivery or go to the store and look at things until I find something that trips my "wanna eat it" trigger and I do. I don't binge on junk food, nor do I eat much junk in the first place, so this method is safe.

I've also lately found that Buddy Fruits are the best thing in existence for this. You don't even have to CHEW.
Jan. 10th, 2011 04:29 am (UTC)
*falls over laughing*

Jan. 10th, 2011 04:59 am (UTC)
See? This is what I need. Not meta horror. My argument for not reading that outre stuff is that it rubs its genitals all over reality. if I want to read something like that (with the exception of t. winter-damon) I read websites like this one.

Jan. 10th, 2011 05:47 am (UTC)

Ever since encountering the phrase "gonorrhea in the colostomy hole" I've been pretty much unsquickable.
Jan. 10th, 2011 10:21 am (UTC)
... impressive. And I thought I'd seen everything with the guy with chlamydia his eye. (It's a mucous membrane :D?)
Jan. 10th, 2011 03:28 pm (UTC)
I used to hang out in the Mindvox Fuck-You Forum, which was sort of like a condensed, distilled alt.tasteless populated by drug addicts and EMTs. I picked up enough gross stories there to last a lifetime.

Edited at 2011-01-10 03:29 pm (UTC)
Jan. 11th, 2011 03:48 am (UTC)
that forum
Jan. 11th, 2011 03:49 am (UTC)
Re: that forum
You're welcome!
Jan. 10th, 2011 06:34 am (UTC)
exactly why I can't go near a KFC or walk down Bourbon Street in the spring....as long as it never smells like chocolate life is worth living.
Jan. 10th, 2011 06:34 am (UTC)
That was kind of hilarious... I've always hated relish though. Now I've got to wonder why the dude thought it was a good enough idea to give it a try, and how much lube or effort it took to get it in there.
I've been going through a nothing sounds good enough to eat phase, and even if I go to the store I just stare at the aisles and waste a lot of time. I usually go with coffee, Naked Juice (I wish it was as entertaining as it sounds) or Vitamin Water, so that I at least have delusions of health.
Jan. 10th, 2011 10:57 am (UTC)
Doc, I am concerned about you. Eat food, goddammit.
Jan. 10th, 2011 12:20 pm (UTC)
Takes more than that to put me off my food I'm afraid. I can read or hear about the grossest things and carry on eating without missing a mouthful or pausing. In fact I read that, then went and fixed scrambled eggs for myself and my 3-year-old daughter - and that right there is the reason why I'm immune to grossness; I've dealt with enough bodily fluids over 18 years of motherhood and 3 kids to be pretty blase over them.
Jan. 10th, 2011 12:36 pm (UTC)
I'm not sure what this says about me, but I had no problem eating oatmeal with flaxseeds while reading a lot of stories on that site.
Jan. 10th, 2011 03:20 pm (UTC)
That thread is an education. Wow.
Jan. 10th, 2011 04:26 pm (UTC)
The Seahawks beating the Saints was a major, major letdown.

Hope you don't hate me for this but given where I live, I'll be rooting for the Falcons until they're eliminated. Returning to Saintsdom the moment the next NFL season starts, promise.
Jan. 10th, 2011 06:37 pm (UTC)
as a cna on a geriatric psych unit, ohh my god the stories I could tell. old people are dirty, dirty creatures.

thankfully, I love my job, so it is mostly bearable ;-)
Jan. 10th, 2011 11:39 pm (UTC)
Where there any interviews with the guy to explain WHY!?
Jan. 11th, 2011 12:01 pm (UTC)
Hmm, that reminds me of my grandma and her “impactions”. I was young, 6-8 at a guess, the day I watched my long suffering grandfather pull yellow gloved fistfuls of ropy tentacled shit curds out my grandmothers fingers splayed asshole as she lay bellydown spread eagle legs sticking off the kitchen table before rinsing her out with a tap water enema into a plastic tub. Why they let me see that I will never know. Later that afternoon grandma opened the tabloid centerfold to the Uri Gellar flyover timechart and we took our seats, Pa and I at the ends, grandma in the middle and we readied our implements. Grandma clasped a wristwatch, Pa an old pocketwatch and me with a spoon between my fingers. The spoon bent. Neither watch started ticking.

And I finally knew what that big red rubber bladder with the yellowed dangling tube that hung off the shower rack was for…

Learned a lot that day I reckon.

Not to be drinking out of or hosing myself down in the tub with that goddamn gargantuan shit bag anymore for starters…
( 36 comments — Leave a comment )

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