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Crying (Not)

Sometime not long before I went on testosterone, I don't remember if it was on here or Twitter, I said I wondered if I would stop crying so much after I was on it and expressed the hope that maybe I would. You can get really sick of crying if you do it too much. Someone else who had experience with T said no, that doesn't really change. They were wrong, at least in my case.

Something bad happened to me last night. It wasn't catastrophic or even very serious in the scheme of things, just something that made me feel small and shitty and ashamed. Definitely something that would have made me cry before. But I couldn't. I don't think I've cried since I started T, but this was the worst I've felt since then and the first time I kind of wanted to, just to release some tension. I could feel the pressure of tears behind my eyes, but they wouldn't come out. I just got really quiet and really grim. Then I went to bed because I didn't want to think about it anymore and slept for twelve hours.

Not sure what to make of this. I never really liked crying, and sometimes when I didn't want to cry but couldn't help myself, I absolutely hated it. But it can be a hell of a release. If this is one of the tradeoffs I have to make, it's still well worth the benefits I've gained and expect to keep gaining from T, but it's ... just very strange.

Don't worry about me; I'll be fine. Again, this wasn't anything life-affecting, just a disappointing, shitty occurrence that I don't want to talk about except in generalities. Sorry to be so vague. I'm mostly posting this for the sake of my own timeline, as this journal is one of the ways I want to keep track of the changes I go through during this transition.

(I'm not saying here that men, whether cis or trans, can't or shouldn't cry. In my experience, they sometimes do. Again, this is purely my own experience and not intended to be representative of anyone else.)

Comments

( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
kirby_crow
Jul. 23rd, 2011 05:19 pm (UTC)
I just got really quiet and really grim. Then I went to bed because I didn't want to think about it anymore and slept for twelve hours.

Sounds just like my husband. :) Yep. Men.



elven_wolf
Jul. 23rd, 2011 05:30 pm (UTC)
I experienced the same thing. Still can't cry, four years later.
kehrli
Jul. 23rd, 2011 06:17 pm (UTC)
I stopped crying for about the first year I was on testosterone, but now I'm right back to crying when (insert any strong emotion in here). I still hate crying when angry, that's the worst, but it was very weird during that year when I felt like I SHOULD be crying, but wasn't physically doing so.
clodiametelli
Jul. 23rd, 2011 10:03 pm (UTC)
That's interesting to learn - I thought it was a cultural rather than biological construct that men don't usually cry as readily as women. I didn't realise it could be related to testosterone.

Hope you're feeling better.
docbrite
Jul. 24th, 2011 12:36 pm (UTC)
Me too. I absolutely thought it would be far more affected by socialization than by hormones. That's why this surprised me enough that I wanted to write about it.
whiskydaemon
Jul. 25th, 2011 03:28 am (UTC)
One of my major, major pet peeves, ever is the oft-expressed by people (many times women) notion that much of what we are is cultural, when it's pretty much apparent that we're ruled by biology and hormones as much as by conditioning. Case in point: David Reimer. Socialised as a girl, pumped full of female hormones, fought it to the bitter end.

And now there's another loopy couple deliberately raising a child "gender free" so as to not "condition" it to be one way or the other. Yes, conditioning plays a role, but I've seen people with hormones way out of whack or in whack and it causes STARTLING and predictable behavioural changes.

Sorry if I'm touching some nerves here, but boys and girls KNOW who they are. They may be prisoners of the wrong conditioning or the wrong biochemistry but brain sex is as obvious as giving a boy a doll to play with and watching him hold it like a gun.
whiskydaemon
Jul. 25th, 2011 03:31 am (UTC)
That's one of the reasons why I am biting my tongue and trying NOT to pry into the T experience for someone as good with words as the good Doctorbilly. Because I truly believe the moment I saw doc in person that he's a guy through and through, and I'd be fascinated to see how being removed from various onionlike layers of "else" affects him.
wildeabandon
Jul. 23rd, 2011 11:32 pm (UTC)
I think it clearly varies from guy to guy - since starting T (about 8 months ago) I seem to be far more likely to tear up a bit at a film or book or whatever. A few years ago I went from being someone who cried very easily about frustrating real life stuff, to someone who never did, and that hasn't changed with the hormones.
drjon
Jul. 24th, 2011 05:12 am (UTC)
Speaking as a guy, I have to say that there are times that you'd tear your arm off if it'd let you cry, but it just ain't happening, and it's just going to keep building up pressure like a hot angry boil, deep in your gut.

But most of the time, it's good.
a_muse_d
Aug. 7th, 2011 03:50 am (UTC)
in such a case, there's a song i like to quote:

as a man do you find
doesn't every boy smoke to cry


as in.. "i have smoke in my eyes. i'm not crying".
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )

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