... that I am a self-centered hermaphrodite who lives primarily in the moment, but often maunders about the past. I doubt this will come as a surprise to most of you.

( Click if you care )

In other news, we're going down to Grand Isle for a couple of days next week, just to get away before Chris gets totally caught up in the madness of his new restaurant. We haven't been down there since Gustav, which did severe damage to the island and many of its structures, but my soul has been aching for it.

This is all I am going to say about politics between now and November 4.

You are a Social Liberal (73% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (38% permissive) You are best described as a: Democrat Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid Also : The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

I am not, in fact, a Democrat. I'm registered as an independent because I don't agree with the views of any party enough to identify myself with them.

"You don't expect me to go out in that raging storm!" Chris and I joked as the fearsome Fay dripped steadily on us for a day and a half. We were entertained during the deluge by an as-yet-unseen neighborhood kid who's learning to play a wind instrument -- the trombone is our best guess, judging by the strange elongated groans and squeaks we have heard so far. Well, everyone's got to start somewhere.

My mother is coming to town today and we're going to have a lovely dinner at Cafe Adelaide. The restaurant was her request, but Chris and I are interested to check out the new chef. He can't possibly be as hot as Danny Trace (who is now at the new Commander's Palace in Destin, FL), but knowing Cafe Adelaide, I expect he'll have a good menu (although I currently have a Philistinic craving* for a large piece of red meat, even if it's the ubiquitous and relatively tasteless filet).

Remember, eBay auctions end later today (though I probably won't be able to process them until tomorrow afternoon because of our company). Please take a look if you can.

Oh, and here's a "weird"-foods-you've-eaten meme I've been meaning to do for over a week.

( I EAT EVERYTHING )


*Not that craving red meat is inherently Philistine -- far from it -- but when dining at a restaurant known for its wonderful seafood dishes, I always feel like an ass ordering the steak.

Since I don't like making nothing-but-eBay posts, I was going to wait until I actually had something to talk about. However, there's nothing much on my mind today (and what else is new, Brite, har-har) and I do need to let people know about these new auctions (signed copies of Wrong Things, The Seed of Lost Souls, the Pansu chapbook, and Guilty But Insane), so since prurience is always a dependable go-to subject, I'll do that "What 'shocking' things have you done?" survey that was making the rounds last week.


1. You must answer yes or no.
2. You may not explain unless someone asks you to.

Have you ever....

Taken a picture naked? Yes
Made money illegally? No
Had a one-night stand? Yes
Been in a fistfight? Yes
Slept with your best friend? Yes
Had sex in a public place? Yes
Ditched work to have sex? Yes
Slept with a member of the same sex? Yes
Seen someone die? Yes
Run from the police? No
Woke up somewhere and not remember how you got there? Yes
Worn your partner's unmentionables? Yes
Fallen asleep at work? No
Used toys in the bedroom? Yes
Run a red light? Yes
Been fired? Yes
Been in a car accident? Yes
Pole danced or done a striptease? Yes
Loved someone you shouldn't? Yes
Sung karaoke? No
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? Yes
Laughed so hard you peed your pants? Yes
Caught someone having sex? Yes
Kissed a perfect stranger? Yes
Shaved your partner? Yes
Given your private parts a nickname? "Big Steve" -- oh, wait, that's my gun. No, then.
Gone in public without underwear? Yes
Had sex on a rooftop? Yes
Played chicken? No
Mooned/flashed someone? Yes
Slept naked? Yes
Blacked out from drinking? Yes
Felt like killing someone? Yes
Had sex more than 5 times in one day? Yes
Been with someone because they were in a band? No
Taken 10 shots of liquor in a day? No
Shot a gun? Yes
Gone outside naked? Yes

Augie has stopped eating. I'm taking him to the vet in a little while to determine our next course of action. Right now, I shall do this long survey/meme ganked from o_lucky_man to cheer myself up.

( Several more details of my life you don't care about )

$149.50, actually, for five minutes of work. But the nice plumber showed me how to use his hand-cranked snake (you in the back row, stop snickering), so I will buy one and avoid future expenses.

New eBay auctions are up: a copy of the long-out-of-print mini-collection Wrong Things signed by me and Caitlín R. Kiernan; a signed ARC of Guilty But Insane; a signed first edition of Drawing Blood (I read a little of it for the first time in years -- gee, it's better than I remembered! I always think of it as my beloved but sloppy, slightly backward child); and a signed first edition of Lost Souls with an original ink sketch of Christian and his roses on the half-title page. As always, all items can be personalized if the buyer desires.

Given today's meme, it's too bad I am not selling a copy of Exquisite Corpse:


Created by OnePlusYou

My Personality

Neuroticism	99
Extraversion	1
Openness to Experience	83
Agreeableness	75
Conscientiousness	19

You are sensitive about what others think of you. Your concern about rejection and ridicule cause you to feel shy and uncomfortable around others. You are easily embarrassed and often feel ashamed. Your fears that others will criticize or make fun of you are exaggerated and unrealistic, but your awkwardness and discomfort may make these fears a self-fulfilling prophecy, however you feel enraged when things do not go your way. You are sensitive about being treated fairly and feel resentful and bitter if you think you are being cheated. You tend not to talk much and prefer to let others control the activities of groups. Familiar routines are good, but sometimes you like to spice up your life with a bit of adventure or activity. You are tenderhearted and compassionate, feeling the pain of others vicariously and are easily moved to pity, however you are not adverse to confrontation and will sometimes even intimidate others to get your own way. You are not an overly cautious person. You will think about alternatives and consequences but make up your mind fairly quickly.

Take a Personality Test now or view the full Personality Report. The best Buying Pet Gifts.

99% neurotic. Very nice. I suppose this is borne out by the dream I had last night. It was an active night all around -- Chris reported that when he got home, I woke up enough to accuse him of sitting next to a pregnant woman who'd started to go into labor. I don't remember this; as best I can recall, I spent most of the night in my father's hometown of Whitesville, Kentucky. My father didn't want to do anything but lie around and watch the football game at my deceased grandparents' house, and for once in my life I wasn't in the mood for football, so I decided to go out and walk around. Unlike the real Whitesville, there was a small downtown area with shops, restaurants, and even boutiques. No one was shopping in any of them and I wanted to buy something to help them out, but I'd left my money elsewhere. Then I found myself standing at a bus stop across the street from an abandoned pink house, holding a novel manuscript I'd written. The pages were in reverse order and I was trying to collate them. A well-dressed young European guy (yeah, you see LOTS of those in Whitesville) came up and started asking me about the manuscript, then about the house.

Suddenly (in the way of dreams) I had knowledge of the house. It was a Bad Place. A couple who'd leased it before it turned really bad -- I think they might have been my friends R.J. and Julia Sevin -- told me they'd let Stephen King tour it, but the landlord found out and punished them by increasing their lease to 11 years. "I can get us in," I told the European guy, and led him across the street and up the porch steps. The house was an Acadian cottage with broken windows, loose porch boards, tilting roof supports, and a hideous, soul-sucking dirty, almost fleshy pink color, like the pink plastic used for some appliances back in the '50s. We walked through the living room, which wasn't too bad, though there was a sad, dirty feeling. I went into the kitchen and immediately knew that's where the badness was. The pantry had a curtain hanging over it, and I saw a tiny, deformed paw come out from behind the curtain. Then, abruptly, I found myself hanging in midair, about halfway between the floor and the ceiling. I could feel a huge but invisible mass of squishy stuff between my legs and didn't know if I had been yanked into the air or if stuff (invisible guts? ectoplasm?) had come out of me and was holding me up. The European guy was staring at me in horror. "You better not run off and leave me, you fucker," I yelled, even though I knew he was going to. I realized my manuscript was gone; I'd left it somewhere. And then I woke up.

All morning and afternoon, whenever I've thought of the pink house, I have had that "1408" feeling: "Even if you leave this room, you can never leave this room." Chris urged me to stop thinking about it, but I said no, Chris, that filthy pink house came out of my mind and I have to own it. If I refuse to own things like that, I'm never going to be creative again. He nodded, seeing my point but (I think) glad his own creativity centers mostly around food and he doesn't have to own things like pregnant women and bad pink houses that make you squish out invisible guts.

Regional Dialect Meme (from cindymonkey)

(Some of these are New Orleans terms; some I may have picked up from my mostly-Kentuckian family. Trying to trace such things back is one of the things I love about dialects and idioms.)

What do you call:

1. A body of water, smaller than a river, contained within relatively narrow banks.

Bayou

2. What the thing you push around the grocery store is called.

Buggy

3. A metal container to carry a meal in.

Lunchbox

4. The thing that you cook bacon and eggs in.

Skillet (a big, heavy one might be a saute pan)

5. The piece of furniture that seats three people.

Sofa

6. The device on the outside of the house that carries rain off the roof.

Gutter

7. The covered area outside a house where people sit in the evening.

Porch (the smaller, non-covered version is a stoop)

8. Carbonated, sweetened, non-alcoholic beverage.

Coke (for any brand) or cold drink (pronounced "code rank")

9. A flat, round breakfast food served with syrup.

Pancakes

10. A long sandwich designed to be a whole meal in itself.

Po-boy

11. The piece of clothing worn by men at the beach.

Swim trunks

12. Shoes worn for sports.

Sneakers

13. Putting a room in order.

Cleaning up

14. A flying insect that glows in the dark.

Firefly

15. The little insect that curls up into a ball.

Doodlebug

16. The children's playground equipment where one kid sits on one side and goes up while the other sits on the other side and goes down.

Seesaw

17. How do you eat your pizza?

Pick it up, bite off the pointy end, and go from there.

18. What's it called when private citizens put up signs and sell their used stuff?

Yard sale

19. What's the evening meal?

Dinner

20. The thing under a house where the furnace and perhaps a rec room are?

You don't have one of those in New Orleans unless you live in a raised-basement house.

21. What do you call the thing that you can get water out of to drink in public places?

Water fountain

22: If something is diagonally located, where is it in relation to you?

Catty-corner

23. What do you call the place where the water comes out of the sink?

Faucet

And one I added:

24. What are the four points of the compass?

Uptown, downtown, lake side, and river side

I have to do this meme because it's possibly the silliest one I've ever seen, but you don't have to look at it. (Only 11, 16, and 18 are eerily prescient.)

( Musical Chairs )

Should you be MALE or FEMALE?* created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Male Being mostly male / masculine, within your structures of thinking simply means that your reasoning powers are (the way they are perceived in Western Culture`) higher than the one of the opposite sex. Psychoanalsis claims this to come at the price of creative expression - a rational thinker can not think out of the box, it is claimed. Male 61% Either 61% Neither 50% Female 21%

More later, maybe. I'm very tired and disgracefully behind on my editing.

I am compelled to do this long-ass stupid meme from cindymonkey. I don't know why.

( A bunch of useless facts about ME, ME, ME )

You Are 72% Open Minded

You are a very open minded person, but you're also well grounded. Tolerant and flexible, you appreciate most lifestyles and viewpoints. But you also know where you stand firm, and you can draw that line. You're open to considering every possibility - but in the end, you stand true to yourself.

I'm just glad to see some evidence that I still have a mind. But I cannot stand firm, and I cannot draw lines. The only part of this I really believe is that I am open to every possibility. Even the stupid, dangerous ones. Yup, I won't go on a rollercoaster because I might fly out, but I'll snort street heroin with the best of 'em.

I'm sorry to have scared so many people with my post yesterday. I'm not in a position to make things better for myself yet, but Chris and an ex-cop friend of ours are helping to make my situation better. Today is Chris' day off, and he has spent as much of it away from me as possible, for which I guess I can't blame him -- but he does want to help me. And I want people to stop telling me I'm not stupid. I know y'all mean well, and no, by IQ standards I'm not stupid, but in this case I was stupid, and I need to pound that nail so deep into my heart that (I hope) I'll never do it again.

Again, I'm sorry to be so cryptic. Maybe I'm getting a little less so. I'm too ashamed to tell the whole story. Maybe someday I will.

I just couldn't help filling out this adorable couples survey when I saw it in relativeatbest's journal, but that doesn't mean you have to read it. However, please do admire the new icon I made for the occasion (me and Chris in Grand Isle).

( Way too cute )

I'm sorry, I know everybody and his brother on LJ has done this and it's hardly ever interesting, but I cannot resist a book meme. (I kinda-sorta know what LibraryThing is. People have suggested that I create one, but I don't have the spare 20,000 hours it would take to list all my books. I wish I did -- maybe it would stop me forgetting I already have something and buying another copy, which I do alarmingly often.)

( Books I Have Read (Or Not) )

We the Living -- possibly the only Ayn Rand novel that does not appear on this list -- was more than enough to convince me I didn't care to read anything else by her.

I have finally resumed eBay auctions now that I feel strong enough to get to the post office on a regular basis. Items currently up for action include an ARC of Guilty But Insane, a copy of Subterranean Magazine #3 containing my Dr. Brite story "Crown of Thorns," a copy of the anthology McSweeney's Enchanted Chamber of Astonishing Stories containing my Stubbs family story "The Devil of Delery Street" (this superlative anthology also contains original fiction by Stephen King, Margaret Atwood, China Mieville, Jonathan Lethem, Daniel Handler, and one of the finest tales I've ever read by Peter Straub, as well as several others, and I recommend it highly), and a copy of Exquisite Corpse containing an original (fairly gory) sketch and accompanying handwritten text by me. As always, all of these items are signed and can be personalized if buyer desires.

I'm not wild about posting an entry that's nothing but eBay shilling, so I offer you the most recent meme I could find on my friends list (from theninth): Go to Google, enter "[your name] needs" in quotes, and post the top ten results. I seem to recall doing this before, but the answers are different now, and funnier. My comments are in [brackets].

Poppy needs to drag a furry quadruped [and does so frequently]

Poppy Needs A Bath [not so; I had a shower this morning]

Poppy needs ironing [probably true]

Poppy needs a new home [sometimes I wouldn't mind picking up this one and dropping it in a new neighborhood, but overall I am happy with it]

Poppy needs a working internet connection and is typically used in combination with an ‘always on’ internet connection, such as a cable or DSL connection. [I have a working Internet connection, but otherwise this is Greek to me]

Poppy needs a good dose of the English language. She actually said to me, the other day, "Mummy! Lydia did got the same as what I did has..." [Did not either, and I don't call my mother "Mummy"]

In short the message I have for the British public is 'Your Poppy Needs You’." [Given that I haven't had a British book deal since 1998, this is certainly true]

Poppy Needs Your Prayers [I'll take 'em]

Poppy needs to go potty [er, not just now]

Poppy Needs A Dental! [Yes!!! A gold tooth!!!]

Feeling a little stronger; getting around a little better each day. Tomorrow I may actually attempt to leave the house. Unfortunately, this has become a bit of a problem in itself. When we first moved into this neighborhood, everyone warned us, "Don't get friendly with the crackheads." I hated judging people solely by their habits, and I saw my neighbor Sharline seemingly trying to get off drugs and improve her life, so I attempted to help her by putting her in touch with resources that could aid her in getting away from her abusive boyfriend and occasionally slipping her a little cash. She has repaid my help by deciding I am her "best friend" and her "sister" and using these imaginary relationships as excuses to harass me mercilessly. I specifically asked her to leave me alone for a few days while I recovered from my steroid shot. Last night she banged on the door and the side of the house for fifteen minutes, waking me up from a much-needed nap. When I didn't answer the door, she stood in the street screaming my name like a crazy person. I just hid and never did answer. This kind of privacy invasion is one of my worst nightmares and paralyzes me completely. I feel trapped in my own home, unable to go outside or even turn on lights in the front part of the house for fear of letting her know I'm here. We are going to have to cut her off completely.

Many people have tried to tell me the neighborhood is all bad. That simply isn't so. My neighbors on either side and across the street are homeowners who are friendly and mind their own business. (However, the man who sits on his porch across the street put up Halloween decorations on Friday, and today I see someone has already stolen them.) Rene, who owns the club on the corner, is a great guy who looks out for everybody. It's just that when I moved into the neighborhood, I tried to be nice to everyone and wasn't able to discern between people who were simply friendly and those who would use us if given half a chance. Thanks to my naivete, we will now have to get ugly with some people.

For the first time in nearly a week, I glanced at my friends list and actually saw a meme that appealed to me (from sovay):

Write yourself a dating ad.

1) It has to make you sound as unappealing as possible.

2) It has to be honest -- you can't lie at all.

3) It can't sound as though you're deliberately making yourself sound unappealing.

OK, here goes:

Natural redhead, 5'1", 89 lbs, physically challenged, 40 but acts 83 except when acting 4. Insists that she has a large penis, and you had better believe it too, or at least pretend to. Not afraid to state honest opinions; occasionally even waits until asked. Dislikes leaving the house, movies, most restaurants, most music, dancing, conservatives, liberals, morons, pinheads, people who find it necessary to write to the media announcing that they are leaving New Orleans. Likes cats. LOTS of cats. No, seriously, I mean LOTS. Also snakes, St. Joseph's Day, lone nuts, and depressive pharmaceuticals. Low-maintenance; reads and sleeps so much that your attention will seldom be required.

Were I single, I'm sure I'd have 'em lined up out the door. And I'm not even breaking rule #3; I swear to God that is the appealing version of myself.

Being as we're the "rich people" in our neighborhood, folks come by trying to sell us the strangest things. I've been offered a tape measure, a silver chain, an air purifier, two Easter baskets, a leather-covered pocket ledger with a built-in calculator (I bought that last for $5 and gave it to Chris for his business expense records). This afternoon, for the first time in well over a year, some imp of the perverse caused me to go ego-surfing; I think I actually half-wanted something to be pissed off about. Fortunately, there didn't seem to be much going on -- even my self-proclaimed, often-amusing "worst enemy," who won't get a Google hit here but who is known to his Internet "fan" club as He Who Shall Not Be Named or just HWSNBN, seems to have gotten bored with me and moved on to "worst enemies" who reward his nuttiness with actual attention -- and before I could find anything annoying, I was diverted by my yard guy at the door trying to sell me two bottles of Seagram's gin. I'd already told him yesterday that I was out of money until late next week when Chris gets paid -- I let them think Chris doles out money to me because it gives me a good reason to say I don't have any -- and by the time I finished declining the gin, the imp of the perverse had gone on to plague some other hapless hack.

Hustle, scam, scrabble, or go hungry. Literally hungry, as in no food in the house. Before I moved to Central City, I knew in my brain that people in New Orleans were living this way, but I don't think I really knew it in my heart. We got free groceries again last week; we weren't here to say we didn't need them, so the group just put a box on our stoop. I carried it around the corner and left it on the porch of some neighbors who are always hurting for money and food.

And that exhausts my meager (I first typed "marger") stock of original thoughts for the day, so here's a survey taken from scottynola:

( Another Pointless Q&A )

Oh, and confidential to the folks who have been sending me invitations to "friend" them (or whatever you call it) on MySpace, join various "networking" groups, forums, etc.: I'll gladly be your Amazon friend if you send me an invitation (it seems harmless to do so and rather rude not to), but I don't take part in all that other stuff. Just doesn't interest me. Nothing personal.

It's been a long time since one of those personal questionnaire thingies appealed to me, but for some reason this one from cindymonkey does.

( 50 More Things You Didn't Need To Know About PZB )

I've been sick for the past couple of days -- mostly just stress, I think -- so I'm going to ease back into blogging with that age-old copout, a meme. Besides, I like the idea of one that measures everything about you, even if I don't agree with some of it.

( The Everything Test )

Well, I don't know. I've never thought of myself as a leader, I refuse to identify as liberal (or conservative, or any other meaningless -ism), I most certainly do not have an "engineering mind" as opposed to an "artistic mind" (I wish I did; I could make a fortune shoring houses in New Orleans just now -- I hear there's a five- to seven-year waiting list), and (perhaps disappointingly for the reader) all my sluttiness is far, far in the past; I'm now about as monogamous and vanilla as you can get, and let me tell you, it's a relief. As for my disturbingly high "prep" quotient, I have no idea what that means. To me -- a child of the eighties -- a "prep" is somebody who wears lots of pink and green together, belongs to a country club, and enjoys making fun of freaks and misfits. This, as you have probably already guessed, does not describe me.

The problem with getting set up in a new house is that, though it's very interesting to do, it's not all that interesting to write about. So here's a meme from takhisis: you plug your answers into Google Image Search and post the first image that comes up.

( Warning: Huge Images May Appear )